Update... Oct 16, 2006

I know it is amazing that I can get another one of these out in such a short amount of time! It feels like just yesterday that I sent one of these out… ok, ok, enough patting myself on the back… let’s jump right in!!

Ok, so I am at that inauspicious place in my life where I am trying to buy a new car. This is never a good place to be if you are not a go-zillionaire. If you find yourself with unlimited means, then buying a new car is never a stressful thing. You merely go online, pick out the Mercedes/BMW/Lamborghini/Bentley tell them what color you would like, and the options and have some guy deliver it to your house. That is it! Now, if you aren’t Bill Gates, you are like the rest of us… who are completely tortured with weighing your budget against what you REALLY want. And that is where I am folks, caught at the corner of not-wanting-to-go-broke and luxury-costs-too-much.

I have been looking at used cars. Why? You might be wondering, because I have bought a new car once before. The car I have now I bought brand new. It was a great experience. I loved it! It was the first car I have ever owned that had air-conditioning and a radio at the same time! This was my definition of luxury at the time. It had leather seats, that smelled yummy. It had cruise control. It had lights that worked and were did not need to be manually operated (I had one car that needed that). It seat heaters, which are now a MUST for any car that I own. It had a sunroof. I am truly surprised it didn’t come with a chauffeur, that is what I really need. Anyway, so now that I am replacing it, I am trying to be economical rather than emotional. I love cars, and it is hard for me to shop for cars, because when I look at a car, I don’t see transportation, I see art. It is truly an experience for me and a love that my father passed on to me. Unfortunately, I like expensive art. I don’t consider a Camry to be a fine piece of art. A Ford Festiva is more a planter to me. However, a Bentley Continental GT Coupe, now that is what I call ART! I think I would look so happen’ behind the steering wheel of this car, and would find myself at one with the vehicle. If I died, I would get a plot big enough to bury the car with me in the driver’s seat. I would go crashing through those pearly gates at around 250mph!!! St. Peter would have to catch me!

Now, we have all heard the stories of people getting GREAT deals on a car. I am not sure if these are urban legends or not, but I am a dreamer and, Lord love me, I want to believe these stories are true. You have all heard these stories… it doesn’t matter who you are you have heard at least one of them. And the story of a great car deal always involves three parties (obviously) the purchaser, the seller, and the most amazing car you can think of. The “purchaser” is always somebody that somebody knows, or is somebody that your Mother read about in the newspaper. I must admit I have never been able to break into this illustrious group, although I would love to become their newest memeber. These people have found the needle in the haystack, they actually had the needle jump out of the haystack and land in their pocket!!! Who are these people? Anyway, then there is the “seller”. I am sure you are asking yourself right about now, “what type of person is the seller?” Well, sit tight and let me tell you. The seller almost always falls into one of two categories. The first category is the little old lady. Yep, how cliché is that? It is always the little old lady who has the Porsche laying around in her garage that she doesn’t need anymore, or she has the 1967 Mercedes Gullwing in the shed, she thinks should go to a good home. A) where did Grandma these cars from? B) Why doesn’t she have any of her children trying to take these cars from her? The other type of seller, is the recently-separated-oh-so-bitter-gonna-really-screw-that-bastard-over jilted wife. Now, these women are hard to find but can you get a good car deal from them. They are selling brand new Astin Marten’s for under 50 bucks!!! These women don’t care about the car or the money, they just want that man to lose his toys… “he traded me in for a new toy, guess he wont miss this one!” They are ruthless, god bless them… everyone.

So, now that I think about all of this these are the steps that could be taken in order to put yourself in the path of one of these great deals. At this point it is just a theory, so don’t blame me if you try this and it doesn’t work, but if it does… call me!!! In order to meet an elderly woman needing to rid herself of a pesky, ultra-nice sports coupe, you could volunteer at an “assisted living” community. Not a retirement home, they are too far gone at that point and someone could come after you citing “lack of capacity” and take the car that you swindled fair and square. So, go assisted-living. Be on the “welcome committee”. This way you get a roster of all patrons that are going to be checking in. Then you could look around and see if they are having a garage sale or anything like that before coming in, you may want to just swing by their house and see if a brand new BMW is sitting on the front lawn with a big “FOR SALE” sign in it. If it has the word “CHEAP”, on the sign even better!!!! At this point you need to have some cash on you, try to make this a “cash and carry” transaction, no paper trail for you! Her loving son comes by and says “Mom, what happened to the Ferrari?” and she can say “Some wonderful young man came by and offered me 300 dollars cash to take it! So I took the money and handed him the keys and the title.” No paper trail! She will be happy with the 300 dollars and you will be happy with your needle from the haystack, her son however will be hunting you down, so you may want to park the Ferrari and only drive it around at night for a while, just a suggestion.

There is another option if you don’t want to take advantage of the elderly. You don’t have to take advantage of the elderly, you can take advantage of the soon-to-be-divorcee. Shouldn’t something good come from divorce? Shouldn’t someone be made happy? Why shouldn’t that someone be you? So, what you might want to do is start scouring the court records for newly applied for divorces. You want to come swooping in when they are really mad, and have had no time to start forgiving (this is what I have heard folks, I don’t make the news I simply report it). I believe they also give you the zip code of where they reside, this is great! You can look up all the really good zip codes! Don’t go down to a seedy part of town, heck why bother? You need to go to where the other half lives… wander over the tracks, to where the grass is greener. If you happen to find yourself in front of a multi-million dollar home with an NSX parked out front with a “FOR SALE” sign on it… Jackpot!!! Again, have the cash on you… you need to make sure she doesn’t change her mind later and try to contact you. Guilt is a powerful and ugly thing. If she wielded it correctly and effectively you could end up giving back what you rightfully bought! Don’t let this happen to you.


Well, wish me luck!!!

Peace, love, and low car payments,
Martha