Update... July 27, 2007

TGIF People!

This is something that I have never done before, I have never written more than one “update…” in a week. I didn’t think I had it in me, I didn’t think I was capable of such of feat, for the love of money I didn’t think I would ever find myself so inspired by my only little life that within the span of less than a week I could produce a recounting of two things… that may or may not be mildly interesting. But here we are, inspired again!! Inspired to put finger to keyboard, I could say pen to paper… but that has really never been the case, and I don’t want people who are just reading this to think it ever was the case… I try to be up front, honest, and gain people’s trust, I could be a politician… other than the simple fact that I am not a great liar and the idea of sex with someone that reports into me isn’t appealing, I could do that job.

Quick side bar: Does anyone use pen and paper anymore, can you imagine the day when it comes that the only people that have pens are bankers. We are gonna get there folks! Schools are starting to use computers in the classroom more and more, and I predict that sooner or later… you will go to the bank, sign a form establishing your identity, give them your finger print which they will record and every time you need cash, you go to the ATM, put your finger on a pad and BOOM! Insta-cash. Think about it.. did you ever hear Captain Kirk say “Hey Spock, you gotta pen?” or even Jean-Luke Picard say “An entire Starship Enterprise, and I cant get a pen?!?! I can ask for coffee and it comes flying out of a wall, but we cant beam us up a bic?!?!?” No, it didn’t happen.

Anyway, this is the first semi-weekly “update…” in the nearly two year history of these installments, and I am taking this “update…” where no other “update…” has been before… to the mall baby!!!! Buckle up we’ll get there.

I had the fortune to go to a “girls dinner” last night. Now you are probably thinking, “girls dinner”, how old was everyone there? Could you people drink? I believe that when women collect in groups it is a “girls” event, you feel your youth, you feel young, and free and maybe even a little silly! I love it. The other nice thing about “girl” events is that women really do sympathize and care about each other and can feel free to express that. If two men are together and one tells the other, “yeah, just broke up with my girlfriend of two years.” his buddy, who has known him probably since grade school, looks up at him and says “Sorry man. Geez, I thought you had only been dating a couple of months… anyway you wanna go to Hooters?” Same scenario, two women… one says, “I just broke up with my boyfriend.” The other, again having known her for years, says “Oh my God! What happened? Haven’t you two been dating for two years? Didn’t you think he was ‘the one’? Didn’t you just go to his parents house last week? Did he break up with you? What was said? Are you ok? Why don’t we go to my house rent some movies get some pizza delivered, eat some girl scout cookies and talk. I am so sorry, I don’t want to call him a total asshole since I know you cared for him, but right now I think that it sucks and if he broke up with you, then he is a total asshole, but if you broke up with him then he was the asshole who drove to that, geez I just cant believe it. You’re better off!” This is what women do, we sympathize with each other, we talk about what is going on in our lives, our feelings, not our BBQ grills.

So, at dinner last night I had the fortune of being able to share with Blanchie, Karen, and Diane all that is going on in my world and they shared all that was going on in theirs. We went to Bugattis, now I had never been to Bugattis, so this was a great new experience. Diane had been to Bugattis before, it was like “Cheers” and she was Norm… everybody new her name! She walks in the door and the fanfare begins, the owner comes out to greet her with a friendly hug and some smart conversation, waiters begin to appear from no where to say “hello” and welcome their favored patron back, I thought they were going to bring out the fatted calf and kill it right there in the bar, but no… they just went ahead and sat us.

So, let’s see what was said shall we? I have been taking acting classes recently. I just started a comedy acting class this week. On Monday I walked into this class ready to have fun, and oh my God I did!! I left the class exhausted, sweating, laughing and so completely electrified I felt like I had been on drugs for two hours solid! It was great. I disclosed my fun to my fellow dinner mates, as I slowly drank my martini. Well, we started to talk about men… yes, we did… I know you’re shocked. Anyway, we talked about how some men really cant express their feelings or really even communicate well, and then Blanchie says in the most matter-of-fact tone, “You don’t really need to communicate with men, that isn’t what they are good for, they are good for one thing and one thing only… therefore you meet a man that you like, you can just say ‘Lay down let’s talk!’”. This has been permanently burned on my brain now… Lay down let’s talk. This phrase and this phrase alone could start the next sexual revolution! You thought the sixties were sexy… they got nothing on Blanchie. So, now I am sitting in my chair, having finished my martini and started on my oh-so-yummy-cant-believe-how-good-this-tastes-but-don’t-want-to-drink-it-too-fast-to-avoid-brain-freeze bellini! The bellinis at Bugattis are AMAZING!!! Everyone should have them, everyone should know how good they are… I am now thinking of that Christmas Coca-Cola commercial… “I’d like to buy the world a bellini, and keep it company” (if you’re still reading this I know you are singing). Yep, a kindler, gentler, world. But let’s get back to what was being said… “Lay down let’s talk”. I am thinking to myself, this woman could be my hero! We could get t-shirts made, really market this idea. I think men around the globe would really rally around this idea J This is a world-wide pleasing concept, big or small, gay or straight, living in a village in the middle of Namibia or even with your cousins in Arkansas… everyone can get behind this idea.

The conversation is fast and witty, but always filled with inquiry, we women love our details and when the specific detail that we are interested in is not offered up… we will ask for it. It is amazing, like death, taxes and gravity. I have no idea why the FBI doesn’t hire a fleet of women to be their entire interrogation department… this is something we were born to do, just like the colt that stands within moments of being born, women are asking questions the minute they can talk. You think your little one year old daughter said, “Dada”… when she really said, “Dada?” and the underlying meaning was “Dada, why are you just standing there when I need to be changed!”

Finally this brings me to where all “updates…” should be! The mall. Karen is sitting across from me at the table, she looks chic. She could have stepped out of catalog, completely update-to-date and stylish in not only her wardrobe, but her accessories, and hairstyle… the triple threat! She starts to talk about the Nordstrom anniversary sale, which I have noticed not only the billboards on the tollway, but perused their website looking for some killer deals.

Well, she said that she took Blanchie with her to the pre-sales event. What? A “pre-sales event”. Being a woman the question flies out of my mouth, “what exactly is that?”. And she says pretty casually that they had mailed her an invitation for herself and a guest to come and shop before the sale began and that the items would be charged on the day the sale starts for the sale price. Now, you have to be in my chair at this moment, I picture in my head this courier arriving at her door in a beautiful black suit, he is handsome, he is wearing white gloves, and the invitation to the Cinderella Ball is perched carefully in one of them. The gloves are obviously so that the oils from his hand do not muss the invitation. She answers the door, white doves fly as she does, he bends low at the waist presenting the card with his eyes avoiding hers. She plucks the parcel from his hand, spins once around, and shuts the door. It turns out it was delivered through the regular postal service though. Anyway, the store closes on Sunday at 6pm, and they arrive at 7pm… the riff-raff is out of the store now and they can shop in peace. They are offered complimentary martinis as they entire, as well as any beer or wine, and if your martini glass runs dry never fear there are waiter circling the floor with pitchers at the ready to solve that little party foul. This is the way to shop folks! I think all stores should do this… you let me shop with a drink in my hand and I would do a lot more damage and have a better time. The buyers remorse wouldn’t hit me until the next day, and I would be too hung over to worry about it. Maybe the bars need to start opening a small shoe department near the restrooms, if you cant bring the booze to the store, bring the store to the booze.

We spent the rest of the evening really just laughing and talking, and now I am at work again… and as I sit here I remember that it is evenings like that, that keep me toiling in my cube. If it wasn’t for great conversation and questions galore… there wouldn’t be much point in it all.

That’s all for me again!

Peace, love, and the Vulcan Mind Meld,
Martha

Update... July 23, 2007

Good morning to one and to all…

Yes, I am writing an “update” that could only me one thing, one thing and one thing only… I am inspired! That’s right, inspired. Now, some of us gain inspiration through divine measures, personally I think my mother is constantly channel St. Agnacious… the patron saint of nagging women, and her inspiration in that rite is divine. She can literally call you at 7am, having just woken up herself and start in on you… that takes divine inspiration. I can barely function when I first wake up, and I can tell you at that inauspicious moment of recognizing that I am awake the last thing I am going to do is to call someone up to nag them, not to mention the simple fact that my voice hasn’t woken up yet, I sound like Barry White, and my teeth need to be brushed so badly I can hardly stand it. Others find inspiration in seeing the world around them. Painters have painted timeless works of art; inspired by the world that surrounds them. People drink in these sites and they are drinking inspiration. Now your probably asking yourself… what kind of inspiration is acting upon Aunt Martha, and I have to tell you, it is merely the experience of my little, mixed up life.

So let’s see what inspiration life has brought me!

Well, I have been interviewing and seeking not only a new position somewhere else, but also a new career path. I am just like everyone else, I hate interviewing. The problem with interviewing is two fold. Problem number one is that you are going through a procedure that is completely uncomfortable, and is much like the horror of a blind date. Yeah, you heard me… blind date. Just like a blind date you are generally meeting someone for the first time face to face and each of you, independent of the other, has to determine whether or not you are “good fit”. You have to determine if your personalities mesh, and moreover whether or not you have the same goals, all of this in the time it takes to watch one episode of “Lost”. At least on a blind date you have more time, and more alcohol. Alcohol helps. You can tolerate a lot more with a drink in your hand, moreover you may not be as nervous and may show your true colors a little more vividly. If I ever own my own company, I am going to interview people at a bar! Have a drink, let’s talk. Now NONE of the interviews that I have had, have included alcohol, but they have all been somewhat grueling.

You have to remember your buzz words, “team work”, “loyalty”, “dedication”, “tenacity”, “401K”… on a blind date it is the same thing, the buzz words are different though, “easy going”, “anit-anti-depressants”, “stability”. There are also phrases to avoid in both situations, upon meeting your new “friend” you don’t want to say in an interview, “do you have to be on time everyday?”, “what type of coffee is served in the break room? I only drink Starbucks”, “How many personal calls a day is considered excessive?”, “what’s that smell, don’t you people clean the carpets around here?”. There are some blind date phrases to avoid… for women they are “Why did you pick this place, it isn’t very nice”, “I do want children and my eggs are rotting, so can we hurry this along”, and “Is that your gut or is your shirt just doing that?” for men it is a bit different… “Good to meet you, but I thought you’d be thinner and better looking”, “Do you think we could go dutch on this?”, and “I have another date after this, so why don’t you just hit the highlights”.

Within the arena of interviews and dating there is gamesmanship involved, each side is playing their game of chess trying to get the best results for themselves… as far as interviewing the company wants a new employee that fits their needs with the lowest benefit package they can get away with, and the interviewee is trying to get the best position, with a career path that are seeking to embark on, and a smokin’ benefits package. Their objectives are divergent. In dating, the object isn’t as clear and it may or may not be divergent, especially on a blind date. He could be looking for a “Mrs Right” or a “Miss Thursday evening”, and on the female side of things…she could be looking for “Mr. As close to perfect As I could ever hope for” or “Mr. Buy me dinner”… neither knows definitively what they are up against and that is where the gamesmanship is involved here, and it is sneaky folks. The conversation is quick, but if you listen carefully, oh so carefully, you can find the underlying meaning in what is being said. There are codes that have been established and just like the CIA you really need to train yourself in this, don’t be a novice when dating… arm yourself before you head to the bar, restaurant, dog park, coffee house… hotel?

Interviews and dating can share the same questions… believe it or not. You will hear, “where do you see yourself in five years”, man that one is a killer. I hate that one in an interview, I hate that one on a date, I hate that one far and near, I hate that one ringing in my ear… because ultimately you have no idea what the “right” answer is. I mean if you were truly honest with yourself in the interview, and an ambitious person… you would lay it out there, “In five years I hope to be running this place, and I may fire your sorry butt for asking such stupid interview questions!” This is an interviewing tight rope, so you throw out the safe answer (which hopefully you have at the ready, as a canned answer). “I really hope to excel in my position here and see where that takes me, but my main goal is to be a true asset to any company I join”. Ta-Da! Like a rabbit it is whipped out of the hat for all the world to see. Now, if you are on a date and you get that question, there is no right answer… be forewarned anything you say… can and will be held against you! But don’t worry, there is a canned answer for this too, but you need to keep your cool, you need to make sure you are the submarine captain, the whole damn thing could be falling below crush depth, the haul straining against the pressure, rivets bursting and ricocheting around the room, water blasting in, and you need to sit there stony, drinking coffee easily from a china cup the saucer in the other hand, never let ‘em see ya sweat! The answer to this is simple, “Hmmm… I have several goals but I am not sure. I am like a leaf, I float upon the wind currents and go where ever it takes me.”


The biggest and most profound difference in these two is the ultimate outcome. In dating, you can either see them again or not, and you know there is always another fish in the sea. But with interviewing you are making a much BIGGER far more reaching decision. You are having to decide whether or not you want to uproot yourself and place your future earning potential in the hands of someone that you have met and spent a mere hour or so with. I mean seriously, there are always going to be positions out there, your “fish in the sea”, but this decision can take you down a path to financial success, or it can take you down a path of… “the company just filed bankruptcy because our CEO is an utter flake and has been borrowing money from the company and signed to debt agreements to cover the funds, so everyone who bought stock in the company and had their pensions with us, sorry but that is all gone. We weren’t Sarbanes Oxley compliant, but neither was Enron! Leave your badge at the security desk. Have a nice day”.


I think interviewing is far more stressful, the technical questions they ask, and the personality profile they try to put together… it is exhausting. But in both cases both parties have each other under the microscope, the only consolation to all of this is that it does end… this isn’t something that you will go through ad infinitum. Interviewing will stop upon retirement, once you retire you will never interview again! You have made it to the end of the game of life… no more spinning the wheel for you! Dating will stop when you get married, die, or just completely lose interest in the process and resign yourself to the simple fact that in the end, all you have is yourself.


On a completely different note, I have gotten the last Harry Potter novel and I have been completely consumed by it… I don’t sleep, I don’t eat… the only reason I can get an “update” done is because they don’t allow me to read at my desk! It has been a thrilling adventure that these novels have taken me on… it has been me and Harry the whole way through. I am 500 pages into the seventh novel, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I have to admit it is a mixed bag of emotions. I am looking forward to discovering all of the truths that will be told, but I am also a little sad to see the rollercoaster pulling back into its station. It is going to be over, and there is no getting back into line… I will get out of my car, with the rest of the fans and do what you do after you get off of a great ride, talk to people about it. You reminisce about all that went on , the steep plunges, the hair pin turns, the near death feelings, you re-hash them over and over again. We shall see what happens, but I am buckled and not leaving until it is over!!!

As always…

Peace, love, and check please?!?!
Martha

Update... July 9, 2007

Good afternoon… well, here it is the first “update” of July.

Now, for those of you who know me… you know that I love a good musical, even a bad musical will do in a pinch. So, today I find myself channeling West Side Story. I am at my desk, singing loudly in my head “I feel pithy, oh so pithy, I feel pithy and witty and bright! And I pity any girl who isn’t me tonight!” That being said, I will not bore you with a long drawn out “update” my friends… this one will be abounding with pith.

I have taken a BIG step recently. One that has been months, neigh even a year in the making… drum roll please!!! I. Have. Bought. A. Car. Yes, ladies and gentlemen the bank let me do it, and the devil made me do it! Now, we all have these little devils inside of us, and I am no exception to this tawdry rule of thumb. I have several devils inside of me, and one of these such imps is a car lover. Let’s call him “Marvin”, shall we? Now Marvin has loved cars my whole life. Marvin is big believer that anything that is a four cylinder should come with handle bars, and only true vehicles are made with six or more. Marvin is also incredible partial to creature comforts in the cars that he loves. Marvin needs cushy, comfy, leather coated seats…the more buttery they are to the touch, the better. Marvin needs seat heaters (he enjoys the warmer climates if you get my drift). Marvin needs CD players. Marvin needs a tight sport suspension, as well as a roomy backseat (wonder why…), a reliable manufacturer, and wood trim. Marvin is a tough customer, who is partial to silver paint with black interiors. It is hard to please Marvin who definitely has my ear when it comes to purchasing a vehicle. Unfortunately, Marvin doesn’t pay for the vehicles, I do. So after much deliberation, and a long searching process… I found it!!! A car that both Marvin and I could live with. I could live with the price and Marvin could live with the car. I am back into a harmonious state.

I bought a Lexus GS300. It is the car I was dying to own, and it is in the color that I dying to have. It is an amazing car. It has features on it I never even considered having, and it was at a price I could afford. It has heated seats, which are a must, but they are also ventilated. That is something I didn’t even consider, I thought “only really expensive cars have that”, but nope… mine does too! My tooshy is constantly kept at whatever temperature I choose, warm or cold, rain or shine… you will never see me sweat. Can you dig it?

It has Bluetooth. Ok folks, I am ALWAYS behind the times when it comes to this sort of thing. I didn’t even know that my cell phone was Bluetooth enabled, but it turns out it was! I have been burning up the cell towers with my new hands free device. This is so spectacular. This thing was made for me and all the women like me. I am a bad driver. I fully admit that, and I do understand that it is something that I need to work on, and I constantly do. But there are somethings people can do and somethings people can’t do, and for me driving is a “can’t do”. I simply don’t have the aptitude, and when you throw in the added distraction of a cell phone! I become a danger to myself and everyone else on the road. There I am in my car, trying to negotiate holding the cell phone, changing lanes and the radio station, as well as adjusting the temperature on the A/C, all the while screaming down the highway at break-neck speeds and scanning for policemen who have the speed traps out… don’t even get me started call waiting!!! Conference calling fuh-get-a-bowt-it. But now, my new car has Bluetooth. A call comes to my phone and the radio is silenced and the call comes on the monitor to alert me to the person who is calling me and I have the option of answering or ignoring the call…three words, “thank YOU Lexus”!!!

I picked my car up on the July 3rd. We were finally united, one small happy family. I actually was laughing in the car on the way home. It was more of a nervous laugh, sort of giggling. I actually started to weep. I know that sounds silly, but I was simply astonished that this car, this vehicle that I truly wanted and truly loved was mine. I felt not only lucky but honored to call this car mine. We have been together a week now, and I know that seems like a short time, but I know this relationship is gonna last. I have been so happy throughout the last week, and we have literally gone everywhere together! This is the beginning of beautiful friendship.

Now, my old car is still in my possession, but will soon be in the possession of my brother. But currently, it has been moved out of the garage that it has known for oh so long, and it is now sitting outside in front of my house. It looks a little sad out there. I little dejected. It has been a good car for so long and here it sits outside, like the dog who “did his business” on the carpet. Sitting outside, wondering what it did wrong to get here, it is wondering what happened to my garage? Are there really this many birds outside? I love that car, and I am glad it is going to a good home and I will have visitation.

Switching gears slightly, I would like to relate one final anecdote to this tale. It short so hang in there with me. I came home last Thursday from work and my air conditioning was constantly running. I was upset. This cant be cheap and I just bought a new car… geez! So, I did what any warm blooded female would do, I called my brother. I told him the situation and he bounced a few ideas off of me. I had to turn it off at the breaker box in the garage, because my brother said it could freeze up if it just kept running. So, I did that. I come home Friday and my house is a sauna. I could hardly breathe the air was so thick. My brother came over to fix the A/C. He goes into the attic, the absolutely hottest place in the house, and that is saying a lot. He is up there and I am scouring the house to find screw drivers and flash lights for him. He keeps asking me if it is “off” and I say “yes”. He takes off the control panel, he is flipping the switch in the attic, he is testing connectivity of wires, he is sweating profusely. Finally he comes down stairs and we move the hutch that is in front of the thermostat. And we look at it. Sure enough it says “off”, but the “fan” is not on “auto” it is on “on”. Crazy, right? So, I have learned another lesson of home ownership. There are two pieces to your A/C unit, one outside and one inside. And by God, before you call your brother, check all of the switches on the thermostat.

Until next time…

Peace, love, and Marvin,
Martha