Update... August 15, 2007

Good afternoon to one and too all,

Well, I have been really busy enjoying all of the things that are me lately. I have been enjoying MY new car, I have been in enjoying MY new furniture, I have been enjoying MY time away from work, basically basking in the delightfulness of my life. Now, I am not trying to rub it in… don’t get me wrong I am appreciative that not everyone has my new car, furniture, and even moreso my sunny disposition, I understand the plight of others… trust me I have been there!

It was not but a few weeks ago that my tooshy would sit on a couch that did not match the rest of my décor and probably was purchased in the late 70’s. It wasn’t but a mere month ago that my tooshy would sit in a car that was nearly eight years old, and not only showing its age but overheating from time to time… not to mention the simple blemishes that it had that were put there by yours truly! It was not too much more than three months ago, that my tooshy would sit in my cube for hours upon hours… days stretching into weeks, and with no end in sight! It was the “iron butt” competition, and who could stand it the longest… who could hang in there… who could get the software rolled out! But today… I have leather couches, today… I have leather, air-conditioned seats in my car, and today… I am leaving work early!!! Today… my tooshy is tickled pink!!

So, enough about “me” for now… let me share some insight.

It has come to my attention that all men share a vocabulary that is unique to their gender. This is something that I strongly suspected, but now have complete confirmation. Now, many of you women that are reading this may be surprised… trust me I was… many of you may know this already, which means your married. So, I am now going to stand up and be counted, I am going to let the cat out of the proverbial bag! So, for all you women out there… who have a man in your life… when they talk to their buddies… start paying attention! Trust me this language is hard to pick up on and is generally shared while staring at something… most likely the TV, could be a power tool, but most likely it is a BBQ grill outside. This is where you will pick up on it!

I have come to learn that the BBQ grill is like the holy altar for men. It is where they create their magic, it is their source of “awe”. The better your BBQ is, the more awe inspiring you become to your fellow worshipers, and they want to join you at your altar more and more. You become the I Ching for your social circle. You are the Godfather, and all it took was a Weber Stainless Steel grill. Do not confuse this with a “smoker”… the smoker is a second class citizen in the world of outdoor appliances, and will never catapult you to the top of food chain. It is ahead of the fire pit and chiminea, but it will never eclipse the supremacy of the grill. I think this is why women are not shown how to operate the grill. I think this is why women are kept away from the grill. Women are not allowed into the inner-sanctum.

Now, what men say at the grill, stays at the grill. This is considered “the vault”. I have checked around… and the vault is widely known in the circles of men. Men will NOT rat each other out. Men will not tell their wives or girlfriends what one of their friends is up to, it just isn’t discussed. Women… rat each other out. It is who we are. A woman will burden her significant other with stories of ALL of her friends, whether he likes or not. If I tell one of my girlfriends a “secret” and she is dating someone… it is like a time-released vitamin. It is going to come out, she is going to tell him. It’s what we do. Now, the “time” aspect of this comes down to how juicy and embarrassing the secret is, if it isn’t that embarrassing or juicy… you’ve time. Could be days even. You tell your girlfriend, “I went to a company happy hour... got a little tipsy and the kissed the cute single guy that works on 4” You have lots of time until she tells her partner. You tell her, “I went to a company happy hour, got completely loaded, ended up dancing on a table with top unbuttoned, got thrown out, threw up on the sidewalk, and had sex with the married guy that works on 4.” You have until she gets home, that tale is coming out of her, and he is gonna hear about it. Now she thinks her mate is thinking, “Wow, glad I have you and you’re not like that” but he is really thinking… “Gee, if this doesn’t work out, I need to find out that friend’s phone number”

Men do not rat out their friends… they have “the vault”. If a guy goes to his friend’s bachelor party, he will NOT come home and say, “Whoa, that Bill is a renegade… you should have seen all the stuff he did at the titty bar, we got thrown out… too bad he is getting married tomorrow.” No, that isn’t going to happen. It is in the “vault”. If his mate asks, “What did you do?” He will dead pan her, “Nothin’”. If it was a really crazy not, she may get “Not much too much”… now if it was a really crazy night and the police were involved and it may actually be something she would find out about he will say, “I don’t really remember”.

Now, the crazy thing about this “vault” is that it is used for storage only. What is in there will never be taken out, so I ask all men… why not instead of “ the vault” have “the trash”… or even “the dump” or my favorite… “the incinerator”? Get rid of this stuff, just lose it. One day you are going to go into the freezer and ask your wife, “hey honey… I was gonna grill up these filets.” And she is gonna say… “Nope, their in the vault, we are just storing them.”

So ladies… get out there, talk to your men about THEIR friends for a change, try to crack the vault!

That’s all for now…

Peace, love and happy tooshies!
Martha